telling it all

i was in a thoughtful mood today after i came home. the qns occured to me: why is it so hard for pple to tell others about their problems? i mean the logical thing would be to share your woes with your friends and tell them how u're feeling, what troubles u have to deal with etcetc so tt we can fen(1) dan(1) together our woes and pains. but i'm starting to realise tt this is too idealistic.

for a start, i know i myself wouldn't be telling my friends every problem tt i face. and it's curious tt the bigger the problem, the harder is it to converse about. small issues are often the ones tt are used to provide fodder for simple conversations, but never the real issues. issues such as family problems, financial difficulties, relationship issues - things tt really matter. these are the more pertinent issues but are paradoxically never brought up. sometimes they're intentionally avoided. taboo.

and isn't it curious to note tt the bigger the problem, the more able we perceive ourselves to carry it? it runs against logic.

however, affairs of emotions and feelings are often illogical.

i've thought it may be the fear of being ostracised. or simply put, the fear of 'losing face'. how will he think of me if he knows this-and-this about me? will he bi(3) shi(4) me in the future? a fear of the uncertainty. not sure how will others react to ur confession.

some may see this confession of a need for help and comfort as a sign of weakness. and tt's a trait hardly desirable in this 'perfectly strong' society of ours. from young i have been taught tt the strong will rule over the weak. maybe it's this mentality tt has be so deeply ingrained in us tt has stopped pple from pouring out their problems to would-be confidants. "help!" = "oh shit. loser here losing control of life."

it would thus be best for pple who face major problems to share them. together, we all can carry a bit of the load for u and we'll pull through this together. simply. because u're my friend. uncomplicated there. it's got to reach the acknowledgement tt everyone faces problems. it's not an admission of being weak but an admission of frankness. i''d go as far to say everyone has at least one unresolved issue on our hearts right now.

well i've learnt tt it's really bad to keep problems to myself. but yet instinct urges me to do so. issues undealt with would just fester, soon after the pain becomes unbearable. it's a vicious cycle tt just gets pple deeper and deeper into guilt, pain, depression and loneliness. all joy is siphoned away bit by bit. at times the pain just eats away at me, and u can almost feel the gnawing at ur heart. stomach feels turned inside out.

but still i wouldn't see myself telling friends, and even v close friends, about all my worries still. it's kindda refusing the antidote tt's being offered wilfully simply because i've a fetish for seeing the wound fester. i sort of enjoy the feeling of depression. almost. yes, wallowing in self pity. looking for the solution? well, sometimes but not always. i think i know what i gotta do, but i'm not doing it. cause i like it down here.

knowing tt ur friends care for u really does help. when the right pple ask after me when i seem down, it really warms my heart. immediately it seems a better day liao. knowing someone who means so much to u cares very much really comforts. when friends sense something amiss, all they could do to make the guy's day better would be to ask, and how's he doing. offer unconditional support and encouragement.

*yet today i've learnt tt it may seem as an intrusion into privacy. something tt i'm deeply saddened by cause there's so much to do but i don't know how to help for this best friend of mine. and maybe tt's some problem with me? always trying to do too much all the time. it's hard not to be disillusioned, but maybe tt's the way things are supposed to be. i don't suppose u'll be reading this but i do offer a listening ear and a shoulder to comfort anytime. maybe it may not be the right time or anything. love u lots. :)