what does it take to trust?

that word is so elusive. what's the thing in us that makes us believe in someone/something? what abt faith?

i find it hard at times to believe God for miracles. it's much easier to believe in the things that u see around you and trust in your circumstances and ur own ability to bring urself out of the rubbish that u're in.

"faith pleases God. and if my heart trusts in Him, i'm helped. and His plans for me are for good and not for evil, to prosper me. that although i may walk in the shadow of the valley of darkness, His rod and staff are there to comfort me. that He provides for the birds of the sky and the lillies of the field although they worry not about tml. and i know that i'm worth much more than them."

but often i find not the faith that i need to make me step out in faith.

yes, this faith also comes from God, i know that. but maybe i just know it and not really know it.

yes. do i really know these verses?

it's at times when i'm down and out that i find it easiest to depend on His mercy and grace. why? because it is at these times when i realise that my strengths are insufficient to pull me through and when all in the flesh has failed, i have 'no choice' but to turn to supernatural means of solving my problem. anyway, since i already realise that physical means have failed, how much more worse can it? it becomes more of a 'taking a chance' thing and look and see what will happen.

i started thinking a bit about this after CA3. when i mugged every day for the whole week, from right after school till about 9. every day. except maybe fri when i went for bs. but i realise that it was hard not to stop mugging. especially when everyone around you was mugging. u feel the pressure to go hit the books, even when ur mind is so tired and u just yearn to go relax. go out for dinner with the family, have a solid worship session in the room, go have some quiet time, catch up with some old friends... but it's hard to just disregard the natural and trust God that He will prosper your time that u will not 'lose out'. it's hard to take the first step and believe that when u trust God, He will not disappoint.

but i realise that the time when i confessed grace the most was after the test. when i didn't feel so good about it. would i have so actively confessed grace if i found the paper ridiculously easy? and although i had confess grace before the paper as well, it just isn't the real complete trust tt i believe we are called to.

i heard God speaking to me this week. before that i was walking home from the bus stop, praying in tongues. i felt very drained tt day because of yet another day in the lib and was wondering how will i cope if every day was going to be like that, since CAs come every 2 weeks. it's be just a cycle of mugging for 2 wks then sitting for a test on sat, then start mugging again on the following monday. then i heard the ans. God's audible voice told me to depend on Him more.

i was close to tears.

i realise how much i was depending on the flesh, rather than on Him. i saw how much He was longing to come to help me and to comfort me. i saw His love and grace for me. and certain verses came to me. "my grace is sufficient for you." "i will never leave u nor forsake you."

my grace is sufficient for you.

man i tell u. it was just indescribable. the peace and love i felt in me at that point. simply amazing.

but it's hard. when i don't really have a problem that i can't solve in my own strength, i find that i don't turn to Him. God should be the first person we turn to. NOT when we have tried our flesh and found that the flesh is weak then do we turn to Him.

because it refreshes God to have you draw from Him. and He is infaillable and His ways are called good and perfect.

from then on, i really resolved to depend more on God. and learn not to look at my own self efforts. and even for small stuff, i'm starting to learn to depend on God. but the road's difficult, and i am weary. but see, the crux here is not I, but rather HE.

i was waiting for my bus the other day at the bus stop, and 'casue it was a long day, i was SO VERY tired. i even entertained the thought of sleeping at the bus stop for a while till i felt more refreshed. i heard God speak to me again (this was the day after i heard Him ask me to depend on Him more) and He was telling me to close my eyes and rest, because He will worry abt the bus for me.

tell me. would u have closed ur eyes? what if u close ur eyes and the bus just passes by w/o stopping? at that time there was only 1 other person at the bus stop. i struggled a bit and finally closed my eyes to rest. almost fell asleep. but suddenly i felt this urge to open my eyes and there was the bus approaching the bus stop. flagged it down on was on my way home.

but this was a struggle too. and i'm still learning to trust Him for even the most mundane things. there were times when i felt like just opening my eyes to make sure that i didn't miss the bus. but i heard God saying "are u not learning to depend on Me more?" it just made me trust.

i'm still learning and growing in Christ and those siblings in Christ out there who read this, pls keep me in prayer. :) one of the 'memory verses' that i remember from sunday school when i was still a little kid running ard: "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." and it all ties in now.