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i'll always remember 2004, the year of emotions. alot of intense feelings, and alot of ups and downs. i suppose we all grow with time, and i would like to think that this year i grew alot more in my feelings and emotional aspect.

which is good in a sense. at least got grow mar.

but what was more memorable was the process. wah, the emotional roller coaster had a 10/10 fright factor rating. haha. this was the year tt i walked through the happiest times, and yet also the lowest valleys of my life.

i've learnt:
to cherish... especially through the happy times
to let go... in order to get closer
tt many people are drawn to joy... and not to gloom
tt real friends treasure the friendship so much to tell u the unpleasant truth, risking the very friendship they admire
tt some people need their privacy as much as u would like to help them with their troubles
tt it's hard to believe when u don't see
tt running away may not be avoiding the issue
tt running away may be the best solution

it has been a splendid year.

as i look behind me at the valley tt i was in, i'm really very glad for Jesus in my life. it's really really "through it all my God will be in control". maybe i'm not totally out of the valley now, but now, i see the light.

---

oh, this is a nice site u can go and find out more info and see how u can help in the tsunami catastrophe. anyway u can also dial 1900-911-1110 to make a $10 donation to the singapore red cross funds for the tsunami victims.

brilliance

omg this is so exciting!!! haha watching san(1) guo(2) on channel 8 now and i tell u tt's the best show this year. haha. now's the part when zhou(1) yu(3) the baddie wants to trap zhu(1) ge(2) liang(4) by getting him to make 100,000 arrows within 3 days.

and i just luv zgl. so smart and so xiao(1) sa(3). initially zy wanted zgl to get the 100,000 arrows within 10 days (which he didn't expect zgl to be able to accomplish, following which he would use this as an excuse to kill zgl), but zgl told zy tt he would get it done in 3 days.

omg.

and having read the book earlier is a real spoiler. haha. right now i just can't wait for the story to unfold on tv to magnify zgl's GENIUS.

and really, pple like zgl are pple of real wisdom and are worthy to be termed as genius. humbleness, tt's a virtue. like this conversation b/w 2 friends as i listened on...

a: "oh, ns trains u up doesn't it?"
b: "yeah, like how i'm able to do more pullups now."
a: "oh really? how many?"
b: "aiyar, i'm very lousy"
a: "how m--"
b: "FOURTEEN!" *BEAM*
[i look to the side and contort my face in disgust]
a: "wah, how many did u start with?"
b: "i DOUBLED the number from 7"
a: "wah so if u go in with 30 u can do 60 when u come out?"
b: *dismissively* "nah. probably something like 31. increase by 1 only"

---

the news of the tsunami is everywhere now. in fact it was about 25 mins of the 30 min channel 8 news just now. sad.

everyone's sorry it was some other person yet thankful it wasn't themselves.

brownian motion

there's so much to say but my thoughts are so disorganised right now. well, spent the better part of the day in the lib mugging after going for the rjc moving ceremony. actually there were lots of issues tt i would like to take up on this blog, issues tt occured to me just for the 5 mins when i would ruminate over and resolve to blog about it when i reach home.. well, i always forget. and i mean even forget about what i was supposed to discuss.

anyway there was this book that i happened to catch in the corner of my eye, somehting about "medical law and ethics"...

whoah ho ho.

some topics like tt never lose their appeal for debate. and it was interesting looking at the various discussions on whether euthenasia is legal and how lawyers have justified their client's actions in the courts drawing certain examples of real cases in the pasts as precedents to justify their actions.

it's DAMN INTERESTING. so if u pass by on the way to the lib toilet look out for a maroon hard covered book somewhere on the shelf at chest level.

argh. like tt helps.

sigh.

i made a girl cry today over the phone.

please. don't bother about me. things will straighten out eventually.

i know they will.

i'm really sorry. i'm just stubborn.

sometimes i just want to be childish and get lost in my own silly thoughts.

i may feel better.

when i'm lonely i think of u.

i was listening to 93.3 just now while waiting for my brother when they played "dang(1) ni(3) gu(1) dan(1) ni(3) hui(4) xiang(2) qi(3) sui(2)" and for the first time i listened to the lyrics carefully. i don't know, maybe it was the stillness of the night in ri at 10pm. no one around mar. yup but as i listened to the song i was suddenly reminded of so many happy memories in the past. and probably a culture tt i missed just so narrowly in my transition into jc.

sometimes i really wonder how things would have been different if i had went to hc instead.

well it's probably just coincidental tt today was the day rjc moved to the new campus in bishan. well i didn't feel the atmosphere there at all. yep, in essence i think it was a disappointment.

i don't know. who needs a friend in times of depression?? it's just an admission of weakness and lack. declaring to everyone tt u need someone to complete u.

but it was just what this song was saying about how much i longed for the company of friends which touched me and made me realise what was lacking in my jc life. a company of real close friends who i could sit back to back and just enjoy the silence between us.

somehow i think i would have found tt person if i had dared to step out into the unknown at sec4. seriously i think so.

honestly, jc was the down point in my life. i won't go to the extent to say that i didn't make friends then, sure i've got to know more pple, but always there was an air of tension and pretense surrounding us. in fact i got most of my life and social activity from outside of class - scouting and in church. it may have been a good thing i guess, cause it allowed me to concentrate on the other 2 areas of my life. and indeed i've drawn much satisfaction from it.

but still i wonder how things would be different. :)

muchie sheepies

wah today was more eating again. stuff and stuff till want to bao(4) liao... after service today went to peer's house. haha quite nice of him to just spontaneously open up his place for us to invade. :) some of us suddenly had a craving to eat durians so we stopped by one of the durian stalls in geylang to ta(2) pao(1) 6 durians to peer's place. the proper food was bought from this palce called 'fatty weng' which is supposedly very famous. well, the food wasn't really tt good lar. better than average but not spectacular. we ordered 2 packets each of ee mee, hor fun, fried rice, black hokkien mee, mee goreng. alot lor, cause each was $5 worth.

i think i should skip lunch tml.

oh we had dinner over tv and tok kok. the 'swan pagaent' was on and it was really quite disturbing to zy and ws looking at all the contestants. haha, ws also made alot of mean comments lor, but i shall nto disclose them here for his benefit. but really lar, some look rather unatural. a little expressionless too in fact. aiyoh, ws can be SO superficial at times. haha.

oh the durians also got story one. cause the pple who went to buy the durians were me, lz and zy. zy and myself were just standing one corner whilst lz shen(1) fu(4) zhong(4) ren(4) to bargain with the durian seller and get as many durians as possible for the lowest price. i was there to pay; zy was there to try to look pretty... erm and also to carry the durians. haha.

on reaching peer's place lz suddenly commented tt the durians were 3 for $20 ones, should be quite good. zy and i then retorted tt they're not, cause we were sure tt they were the 1 for $5 ones. and we were debating with lz when i suddely realised tt she was RIGHT. they couldn't have been $5 ones cause we paid $30 for 5 (plus 1 free making the total 6), which meant tt each was $6 after bargaining.

can u imagine tt, getting taught a lesson in simple mathematics by lz?? :P how humbling.

anyway the durians were a disappointment, cause some were watery and some just tasteless. i mean... haiyoh. and lz was happily pinching at every durian testing them and doing QC before we accepted EACH durian. so much so for qc. we didn't even finish all of the durians and just GAVE UP on the watery ones.

oh yes, and i learnt something new today -- tt when u eat durians u have to eat mangosteens after tt to counter the heatiness of the durians. wah u can imagine how many i ate after tt. tml better not have any new pimples 'pokpok' come out lor. it may be worth mentioning tt the mangosteen theory was another one of lz's theories. haha. so amusing. :)

today was a splendid day too cause i received more christmas presents from friends. chocolates from junxiong; card and more chocolates/sweets from freddy; card and book from peer; and something mysterious from anil which i haven't opened yet, still in my bag; cookies from mingli; card from gan. haha yup, thanks guys!!! really appreciate it. sheesh, i didn't even get any stuff back for them. so paiseh. :) but of course *ahem* they all said it was ok *ahem*.

*grin*

it has been a wonderful christmas.

christmas

had a wonderful time today at qichang's place. haha the whole LT gang was over there for a potluck and gift exchange thingy. the gift exchange was such tt each person picked someone else to buy a present for.

so in the end it was me --> alvin --> sj --> yiqing --> timo --> ht --> txl --> ivan --> qich --> huili --> me.

yup. haha, i got this really cute mug from huili, which i'm DEFINITELY going to use on my table next time when i get my MBBS. it's really cute!! haha. thanks ah li! oh man, ahlibaba couldn't join us cause she was down with diarrohea... get well soon! haiz. so ht went to her place to collect my present, and ht presented me with the mug on her behalf. :)

well, cause sijin and i were the earliest pple to arrive we went up to qich's room to slack for a while. sijin immediately plonked herself on qich's bed and went to play chess; i was watching naruto with qich on her comp. wah, it's really addictive. very entertaining. :) i was quite surprised cause the quality of the anime is quite good, pictures are quite sharp and focused although we were viewing it in full screen form. was just like watching on the tv.

after more pple came we had a couple of rounds of 'taboo'. wah it's so fun!! haha. oh, qich's sister is such a good host too. v friendly and even cooked food for us too. wah she makes superb salad. each one brought some food to the party; i brought goreng pisang et al, which sadly wasn't finished. haha, sj brought sushi lor... which was used as a punishment. HAHA. ht deep fried sotong balls and boy was it exciting. haha, next time when we play 'taboo' when we come across the word 'bonfire' we just need to say something like "when ht cooks sotong balls, what happens?" ivan was the ONLY guy who cooked the food he brought. the other guys bought their food. thus he was conferred the title of snag by the girls. haha.

we had alot of fun talking rubbish over dinner, gossipping about SO many pple and laughing at one another, poking fun at one another. haha. aiyoh, eat until explode liao lar... somemore must sai(1) with almond jelly and chocolate cake. the chocolate cake was SUPERB. brought by qich's sister's friend. haha. was quite tempted to eat 1 more slice actually but the strain on my stomach told me no.

it was a real enjoyable christmas i had. the only regret being not able to give qk her present on christmas day itself. tues then!

goodie

haha it's such a wonderful christmas eve. well, staying at home all by myself actually. haha. but still i guess... well it could be better but it's nice this way too. peace and time to stone around. :)

haiz. went to cut my hair yesterday. it was a big mistake. haiyoh. so distressing. i told the auntie to "jian(3) bao(2)" and she went to cut until very bao(2). haha. so most strands are now long, but little hair. hmmm looks like some chemo patient. (not ostracising them here or anything)

the carollers are out today in full force. haha 3 groups instead of just 1 group 2 years ago. trust they had fun. :)

oh so exciting! i bought this BLOCK of chocolate some time ago and it has been sitting in my food cupboard. poor thing. it must have felt very neglected w/o the company of my lipases and amylases. but it's really a BLOCK of chocolate so much so tt whenever i want to eat some i'ld have to 1) grind it with my teeth; 2) scrape it with a butter knife. the former of course being the epitome of hygiene.

well, today i was scraping at the block when i htought of something brilliant! why not melt the chocolate in my non-stick pan and i can make it into nice shapes??

well tt's what i did. added some ceral on top of the cooling chocolate too. :) right now it's cooling in my freezer. haha. can't wait. oh, in fact i dumped the whole pan into the freezer. haha.

and... here's a very blessed christmas to one and all. :)

my fart is going to stink REAL bad 2 days from now

oh finally. today seemed to be the day when i managed to mug a fair bit. went back to school and stayed there from lunch time till dinner time. hehe. happy. but i'm still behind schedule. erm wait. there's not really a schedule... but i'm definitely behind time. :(

i learnt something today. don't post what u bought for surprise presents cause someway, somehow the person will know. :)

omelettes are nice. nice big omelettes with 4 eggs are delicious! with lots of salt, pepper, hua(1) diao(1) jiu(3) and sesame oil. yummy! only thing is tt the eggs were bought abt a month ago.

tml going down to orchard to watch mm perform. :) also having dinner with the cg. before tt. hehe.

i got my christmas present today

well i was talking to some pple and found tt i'm not the only who was feeling tt this christmas felt something different. somehow we didn't feel the spirit of christmas. there was no joy tangible in the air leh. and it just felt like 'another holiday'. not excited. not anticipating. but today when i was going home it just came right onto me.

it was after i bought the surprise present when i was walking to my bus stop and i just saw the pple at orchard giving out little programme booklets for CCIS outside paragon. an auntie outside paragon gave me one too, coupled with a "have a merry christmas" and flashed me a brilliant smile. wow. i was so touched by her spirit and my heart just melted. i felt prompted to go down to jason's marketplace to get drinks for them! :) bought some packs of green tea for them (pple who i didn't know) and wished them a blessed christmas before walking off.

haha, the auntie was quite shocked actually. but when she realised what was happening she gave me a warm smile too and accepted the gift. i think the $2.20 for those 6 packs of green tea was the best buy this year.

and at the realisation hit me fresh again -- tt christmas is all about giving. and remembering tt one gift tt hung on a tree for us all.

and i was just thinking of tt thought when i walked past a stage with a childrens' choir singing "the reason". they were so adorable as they were looking to a teacher standing in front doing the actions to the song for clues as to what action they should be doing. haha. but what struck me more were the lyrics of the song.

those were not foreign to me. i've probably sung the song a dozen times. but i just felt so loved by God. so filled, overflowing, and ready to bless. it was sort of God's answer to me asking these past weeks why this christmas i don't feel the joy at all admist all the celebrations. and honestly it just erased all my fears and depression all away. i'm SO SO glad.

when i was little, i would expect christmas presents from my parents, relatives everytime 25th dec came along. to me then, it was just another holiday. yay, don't need to go to school! haha. and my relatives would meet up at someone's place to play majong, all the way till 5/6am. and the little guys would sit around on the floor playing blackjack, stacking our coins in neat piles ever hoping they would grow taller. christmas was pretty lights and great food.

i never realised, a baby born one blessed night, gave me the greatest gift of my life. what more, i was the reason He was born. tt was all the meaning christmas had for me, until through pastor's sermons i was reintroduced to this loving God.

christmas is really a time of giving and a time of joy. and right now i just feel it all over me. haha. and tt gesture tt the auntie did, tt warm smile tt touched my heart just helped me find again tt lost meaning i lost over these past months.

u've got mail!

back from shopping. haha brought a christmas present today. think the recepient will be delighted. smells nice. :) i'm so officially broke.

it's SO amusing cause i received a scholarship application invitation from CAAS. i was really puzzled when i saw the envelope addressed to me and thought the remotest possibility was tt i'd left some luggage over at the airport from hk trip couple of months back. haha.

oh got 2 more christmas cards today in the mail too from sze yue and george. aiyoh i feel so guilty cause sze yue is so nice sending us cards every year but i never send her back. hehe. aiyar, not in the habit lar...

wah national treasure is fantastic. :) aiyoh qk was shrilling at all the thrilling parts and laughed so loudly at all the funny parts. haha. thank goodness for the darkness in the theatre lar! cannot see who's the crazy person making so much noise. it's quite amazing for qk cause those are the places she'll be going next year (hmmm in fact to most of the places tt were depicted in the show). haha, remember to go to basement 5 of trinity church and take picture!!!! :)

dX/dY

just got off the phone with X who i had some guo(4) jie(2) with in the previous post. i think we sort of ironed things out liao and yes, it was good to talk things out. maybe i still need some time to do some ironing with myself. haha. laundryman.

i guess i'm really a very xiao(3) xing(1) yan(3) person especially about particular issues. haha i mean about other issues i can easily be boh chap and in fact quite forgiving -- like how my dear friend dunked me into the sea and killed my phone at the same time. haha. yup, but i hope tt there'll be a day when i can finally grow up and learn to be more mature in such areas. don't always yi(3) xiao(3) ren(2) zi(1) xing(1) see other pple.

well. maybe a bit of qing(1) bu(4) zi(4) jing(4), which i'm sure is used in the wrong context here. as Y told me, i really need to learn to deal with emotions. i think i'ld describe myself to be someone who expresses his emotions more freely. may not be a good thing sometimes esp when they overun me and usurp the mind.

i was just telling ABC yesterday night tt i just wanted to be a jerk for once (maybe some will dispute this cause i've always been a jerk in their eyes. haha) i was just very tired last night, like the bicycle. but thinking back it may really be quite myopic of me. i was tired of trying to understand this and tt, really like 'waring' as berber put it.

when i woke up this morning after i did my quiet time, i just felt so filled and concious of God's plan and love for me. and what kim showed me yesterday from last CG's notes came to my mind too. welli realised tt i should call up X and apologise to X for those unkind words. then we just discussed for a while and sorted issues out. it was embarassing at first of course, even loss for words, but things got better after we started talking frankly.

well, i'm not trying to make any excuses or anything cause this saga in my life was probably festering cause I and only I chose to feed it. yup, so if it's anyone's fault, it's mine. :) i really learnt tt i've friends around me who care too. *hugz* thanks.

through this, i've learnt to view things in the light tt considers the best of pple no matter what circumstances may seem to be. i think tt's the best way to deal with matters. haha. i shall learn, hopefully at a faster pace.

-------

oh today's to be an exciting day! finally watching "national treasure" with my adopted CG for the day.

did anyone watch Las Vegas yesterday night? wah i think it's an excellent show. i'm going to resolve to catch it every week from now on. but considering how i kept forgetting to catch "Friends" until the very last episodeof the LAST season... oh well, we'll see. :)

argh, supposed to finish up CVS today. haha. i actually came up with this great plan of finishing 10 pages of robbins/hour. seems so achievable at first until i realised each page takes about 15mins. add the slacking and blogging and checking mail... HAHAHA.

think it'll be a great week ahead!

WHY BOTHER?

i thought i would be sleeping early today but apparently not. was chatting online and browsing through past blog entries. very saddening. really very saddening.

like reading some entries on bgr; other entries on friendships; yet others on revelation of God's love for me.

and i really dont' know what to conclude out of it. but so many thoughts are running through my head right now.

haiz.

i'm just like a bicycle. "two-tyred".

if anyone per chance was wondering, the comments function was unwittingly removed when i used a skin from the 'official' blogger range of skins which came along with its own comment box. which is why entations was kicked out from the new code.

regarding unhappiness previously i guess i'ld just heck it. sometimes it's hard to keep bothering and stay concerned over different issues. they just wear u out.

reflections

just came back from picking my grandma and my brother up from golden mile. they went to genting with some of my other relatives and just got back to singapore. sent my grandma to my aunt's place (where she lives), which is just opposite side of the road.

hmm the thought just struck me on how much things have changed. 16 years ago my grandma was staying with my family and i recall how she used to comb my hair with brylcreme before sending me to the PAP kindergarden near my old house. and stuff like buying back lunch from the coffeeshop down the street.

when i was young i was really naughty. quarrelled with her over the tv (cause she always seems to be watching chinese programmes tt i understand NUTS about at tt age; whilst i would prefer cartoons, which i presume she wouldn't really understand). haha. alot of funny things happened lar. but anyway i guess things did work out.

oh i just love my grandma.

but now she's a frail old lady. probably her smoking habits in the past would have something to do with it. on the way back i tried striking up a conversation with her, but guessed it stopped short after a few sentences for lack of topic. and as i was driving along i just saw a reversal of roles between the 2 of us. the woman who used to take care of me was now having me send her home and taking care of her.

and immediately i felt this fuzzy feeling within. i was brought to the realisation of how time flies. really. how fast time flies.

i've always told myself how much i've wanted time to pass quickly so tt i could grow up quick. somehow i was always fascinated with the thought of being finacially independent and being able to see the REAL world. it just seemed so exciting and was beckoning in a rhythm so hypnotic.

but right now, i just want to go back to the times when life was so much simpler. when text books were 50 pages thick and relationships were just a difference between "friend", "good-friend", "bestest-friend" and "enemy". nicely categorised and clearly demarcated. and nothing could be simpler than tt.

right now i just yearn to go back and relive those moments. :)

this is part of the wonderful luo(2) kun(1) cg. 

musical fountain! pretty colours. 

sentosa wannabe-hunks 

sentosa beauties 

jereme's the guest in our cg for the day! oh yes and look at the beautiful sandcastle we built. the R turret is built by me! haha. 

this is me trying to take my revenge. almost got ziyang into the sea when he curled up into a ball and refused to budge. haha. i didn't give up and started ROLLING him along his side into the sea. haha. well, didn't manage to in the end cause he realised what was happening and got up and ran. haha. 

this picture was taken after i was dunked into the sea. bah. see ziyang with his haha-i-got-u grin. and of course my distraught face. 

oh we went to the beach and decided to build a sand castle. haha. it's quite nice. peer is thr chief architect. haha. 

yay all of us one big happy family. :) 

whee.

went back to school to study today, and more importantly to meet kim to collect her spare hdpn. hey thanks for lending me the phone, will return u asap. :) haha cause my phone sadly got dunked in the sea during caregroup on sat. oh well, rather I got thrown into the sea and it so happened tt my phone was conveniently in my pocket.

argh.

ok lor what to do, lanlan i guess. yup, but cg was great! we had it in sentosa and had an afternoon of SSTCPM. and of course listening to what p had to tell us and share from his experience in his israel trip. haha really enjoyed myself. :) went to watch musical fountain too. hmm it has been a long time since i've watched it -- think the last time was when i was in promary school. oh well, the storyline was crap i must say, though the lights, sounds and water was pretty. and we also saw the evil merlion. haha. green eyes which later became red. scary sia.

thought of the day: is it true tt sometimes friendships don't mature until u've started to put expectations on each other?

CCIS

tonight was nice. got to know 1 more new guy, some christopher from security. haha was paired up with him for the night. it's quite nice to talk to him although he's like 2x my age lar. but i think he seemed really friendly and was very nice too, treating me to ice cream etc. haha, sounds very childish tt i'm delighted at the ice cream, but it's just a nice gesture especially when it was tiring and hot patrolling the crowds in front of lucky plaza.

oh saw kiat chuan. well actually he saw me. hehe nice of him to wave. :)

the programme was quite nice, though i can't say i enjoyed it. for a simple reason: CANNOT SEE. haha. pple were thronging the barricades and anyway we were supposed to be doing duty. oh but caught the last event though, which was a CHC ala "stomp" presentation. which i really enjoyed. because by tt time the crowd had diminished to much lesser liao mar, so easier to peer through the crowd. wah quite jing(4) bao(4)! haha. nice one guys. :P

then we went for supper at newton! although i ate a fillet o fish and a mc chicken after packing up lar. oh dinner was supplied by macs. which was horrible cause the nuggets and fish dippers were soggy; burgers had no veggies in them. wah lau ei. but hungry just eat lor.

and the reason why we were so hungry was because we were carrying barricades all around orchard. haha. DAMN HEAVY i tell u. but strong guys *ahem* didn't have much of a problem lar. :) well... i thought the barricades were super heavy. so there.

okie. i think i should sleep liao. seeing tt it IS an unearthly hour and i think i'm starting to have weird vision. like at this very moment my keyboard seems super small as i look at my fingers pressing on the keys. hmmm. okie. better sleep now.

i made an ex-friend today

i think friendships are very complex things. today i heard from a friend over supper about what X said about me. which wasn't very nice at all. considering what X said in front of me and other friends was completely different.

very bluntly, i think X's a hypocrite. and a very good one at tt too.

well actually the whole discussion topic got me rather upset, because it just brought up things tt were laid to rest just a couple of weeks ago. well i totally just lost it when i just reflected on what happened, etcetc.

and when i came home, boy was i in for another surprise. another friend, Y, just msned me and somehow the topic about X (who was a common friend) came up. well, i had confided in Y about the problems i was facing with X in the past so Y knew a bit about what had happened. well, suffice to say i got blasted by Y. saying things like "u're blinded" and "u're just stubborn" and "u just think u're right" and "yes of course, everyone can see U'RE the problem" and "u come up with your own hypotheses and be stubborn about them". really it doesn't help if u've not realised by now.

well, hardly any help i guess. but who's to blame Y. afterall Y didn't know what i had just heard 1/2hr ago. afterall Y didn't really know me and how i was feeling. perhaps if Y had known me better Y would have knew those wern't the best words or phrases to use.

well i blasted Y over msn. apologised after tt but i still maintain my views and think they're right. i was only apologising for blasting at Y because it was the wrong thing to do to blast a friend who was sincerely trying to help. i still think X's a total jerk. and X has great acting and should be nominated for star awards. call me stubborn. but i will say i draw my impression of X from more people than Y does. well Y, if u're reading this. i want to tell u tt ur opinions of X are just formulated from your own perception and how X has presented him/herself to u. have u asked around? asked pple outside your clique? bluntly put u're just seeing the sugar-coating X licked all over X's self.

and yes, it does NOT help to keep scolding me. and not explaining. those things tt were 'explained' were simply statement trying to shove ur opinions up my nose. not explainations. i'm not wrong. REALLY.

well u think when X offered his opinion to you X never thought about what would have happened already? whatever X said was inconsequential if u've not realised. cause X was not the person making the decision. and neither was i. it was Z. X knew that. whatever X said was just fei(4) hua(4). just to make X look good in front of u. X was not really trying to be on my side. think about it if X had taken either side? how would X had looked? standing on the left X would have looked like X was a total jerk who didn't care about my feelings; standing on the right X would have smacked Z in the face because of what Z wanted. and anyway what X wanted was what Z wanted too so there was no reason for X to slap himself too.

there've been so many times when i've tried to talk to X but X just ignored me. or maybe paused for 5 seconds before turning around and blabbering some stuff before turning away. w/o even eye contact. not the private stuff no one would like to talk about but just mundane stuff. stuff tt u'ld talk about or i'ld talk abt to any other friend. but the response is different. of course, not feeling comfortable? i think it's a great excuse. but rather just something to come and irritate me cause X knows how i'm feeling. i've tried so many times to tok to X to start a conversation and everything but X always stops it short with X's 2 word answers. X's not making any effort at all. and X just makes it very simple by telling all others except me tt it's not easy to talk to me. at the same time making me feel worse and look worse each time to everyone.

actually i've sort of given up on X before i even talked to Y just now. but the last thing i needed was a lecture on how wrong i was and how good X was. and how blind i was yada yada. but if X is someone who can talk behind my back and say unkind stuff about me but at the same time when in front of me shows me a different mask, i sure i don't want this sort of friend.

X's the cause of so many of my problems. don't say tt i'm only seeing one side of the coin when u won't show me the other side. what makes u so sure i'm the only one with tinted glasses? don't tell me stuff and expect me to swallow it all. i'm not the only one who's biased around here. cause u still have the impression of what happened between me and Z and u've formed your own opinions of me.

thanks for your concern. i really really appreciate where u were coming from.

a day wasted. erm maybe not.

arh. what a wonderful day. met gan for shopping in the afternoon. hmmm found out tt for his uni admission he has to do medical checkup too. and the australian pple quite smart to say tt only 2 clinics are 'approved' ones. and of course as u would expect it they are nice nice clinics right smack in the middle of orchard belt. somemore at paragon. which of course means tt the consultation fees are much higher also lar. something to the tune of $90 for the 20min consultation and another $50 for blood tests. he also had to do a chest x-ray which cost $50. wah. i remember i was screaming murder who i had to pay (was it $16) for the hepB Ab screening.

yup. there were only 2 'designated' clinics where u could do your medicals if u wanted to study in an australian uni. didn't know this type of monopoly also can exist. gao(1) zhao(1).

oh we ate lunch at paragon, this place called "my mum's cooking" or something liddat. aiyoh not nice one. what a disappointment. the food was pricey, something like $7.50 for a plate of duck rice. well anyway i ordered laksa which wasn't anything remarkable too. bah. oh gan's brother also came cause both of them were going for carolling practice at 4pm at mackenzie.

yes it's jerome's birthday today! gan and i shared a cd. :)

bought a nice purple-based shirt and grey singlet today from POA. hehe. and also got a surprise christmas present for someone! haha, think she'll like it. we'll see.

SS,TC,PM

wah it's so funny tokking to all my friends online. and to make interesting observations like how X has a scandal going on with J; and how A is infatuated with J's legumes. aiyoh. so scandalous.

anyway something really weird happened just now. qich and jb complained to me abt how my blog layout was totally jumbled up and misaligned. haha. it didn't seem so on my screen. well, i was trying to rearrange the sizes and positions of the text boxes just now in the afternoon and thought i had done quite a good job... well, at least until just now. i was quite puzzled, because it looked perfectly normal and neatly arranged on my screen. but jb sent me a screen shot of a totally jumbled blog page.

well, i figured it out finally. it was the difference in our screen sizes which caused the chaos.

oh well settled it now. but i think it doesn't look too presentable on my screen now. but at least the columns don't super-impose on on another making all reading impossible. :)

still donl't know what to get for the christmas present. aiyoh...

yay, peer's back from israel. looking forward to cg. :)

rare sight

omg. i just saw gideon goh on tv! and he was not alone somemore. :) with zhi hui somemore! yes, the zhi hui tt alot of my classmates would be familiar with. they were on the "carlsberg - hao(2) you(3) man(3) tian(1) xia(4)". haha so exciting.

right now is advertistment, and i'm going to stay tuned to see if the 2 of them will go for the carlsberg party later.

---

ok, he pang sehed the guy. poor kelvin. haha. but anyway the kelvin guy still got enough guys to make the quota. what a rare sight! to see friends on tv. well, then again, maybe 30 years later it may not be tt uncommon liao.

melodious!

oh yay repaired my piano. one of the b keys and its flat was stuck. in fact for very long liao. only discovered that it was due to some oxide tt was growing in b/w the 2 keys. haiz. it was super irritating trying to play any song tt required those 2 notes in the past and i think it was one of the reasons why i stopped played liao. (haha, but also due to my laziness too lar!)

YAR. but can u imagine the fustration whenever u depress either key and it refuses to spring back up again?!? then have to manually lift the key up again. haiyoh. or sometimes i would just imagine tt i pressed the key and just skip the note. which made the songs sound ala the set of teeth a 6 year old has.

yep, but i'm glad it's all ok liao now. i celebrated by playing a couple of songs for the past hour. esp those songs tt were in b flat like yue(4) guang(1) qing(2) ren(2) and an(1) jing(4). hehe so happy now. and i feel like some super repair man. i guess tt's the satisfaction pple get after they finish changing a tire. hurhurhur.

it's quite simple actually - i simply rubbed the keys against each other. and a genie appeared. aiyar of course not lar! rub and rub until i eroded the pesky oxide off. haha. and it was stuck keys no more! :)

lalalalalalalalala.

* installed a web counter. think it'll be interesting to see the breakdown*

lonely in the northern hemisphere

oh yay found the lyrics for gu dan bei ban qiu. but cannot find them in chinese.. so it's all hanyu pinyin. since i feel it's really more meaningful when i read out the lyrics, thought i'ld translate it into english for easier reading! :) haha so sweet. the lyrics writer is a genius.

Yong wo de wan an pei ni chi zhao can
Let my "goodnight" be there for you when u have your breakfast,

Ji de ba xiang nian chun zai pu man
I'll remember to put all my thoughts of you into my piggy bank.

Wo wang zhe man tian xing zai shan
Looking at a night full of twinkling stars

Ting niu lang dui zhe nu shuo yao yong gan
I hear cow-herd telling the weaver-girl to be strong.

Bei pa wo men zai di qiu de liang duan
Don't be afraid, though we may be on opposite sides of the world,

Kan wo de wen hou Qi zhe mo tan
Because my concern for you will take a magic carpet

Fei yong guang shu fei dao Ni mian qian
and fly at the speed of light right to you,

Yao ni neng kan dao shi zi xing you bei ji xing zhou ban
So that you'll know Leo will always have the North Star for company.

Sao le wo de shou bei dang zhen tou ni xi bu xi guan
Well, i hope u've got used to not having my shoulder for a pillow,

Ni de wang yuan jing wang bu dao wo bei ban qiu de gu dan
Your telescope will never be able to see my loneliness over here.

Tai ping yang de chao shui gen zhe di qiu lai hui xuan zhuan
Just as the tide of the Pacific follows the cycle of the earth turning,

Wo hui nai xin de deng sui shi huan ying ni kao an
I'll wait patiently for your return any time.

Sao le wo de huai bao dang nuan nu Ni xi bu xi guan
Hope u're used to not having my hugs for a blanket,

E gei ni zhao pian kan bu dao wo bei ban qiu de gu dan
The photos that i sent you can never express my loneliness.

Shi jie zai da liang ke zhen xin jiu neng
But no matter how big the world may be, 2 true hearts for each other

Hu xiang qu nuan
Will draw warmth from each other

Xiang nian bu hui tou lan
My thoughts and concern for you will never cease

Wo de meng tong tong ge ni bao guan
And i'll leave all my dreams with you for keepsake.

unglam photos

received a mail some time back from SCM saying that the photos for the marathon are out. oh goody. haha, i just love browsing through the pics of pple tt i know and searching for their pics. it's just so exciting.

a major plus point - during a marathon the last thing on ur mind is to bao(3) chi(2) yi(2) tai(4). just RUN LIKE CRAZY. haha. with all the hair flying about, awkward hand positioning and facial expressions forever etched into film. it's timeless in more ways than one.

here's the link! i'll get killed by some pple for this, but oh well. i shall not mention who went for the marathon, but i guess pple will figure. :) oh, btw i didn't go. if u try looking for "hope ang" to look for my ugly pics... haha, just see me in person u'll get a horrifying one enuff liao. :P

have been playing oh(1) de(2) yang(2)'s cd again and again since last night accompanying me to dreamland. erm, actually only the gu(1) dan(1) bei(3) ban(4) qiu(2). very sweet i think the lyrics. maybe if i can find them i'll post it up. haha, then i can sing along to the song! still habben mastered the lyrics yet.

supper's confirmed tml with the novena gang! looking forward to it.

went for christmas@orchard briefing in the evening. so actually things worked out - the rest of the cg went for amanda's zoukout; kim and myself went to attend the briefing. haiyoh and the briefing took so long. haha, all the way till 2130 then ended. 2 whole hours. well, supposed to go for the bdae party after tt but because of the time we gave it a miss. oh well. hope it was a wonderful party.

oh yay, i'm serving as security on the 19th. which is really this sun. can expect it to be quite exciting lar. :) and quite a carnival to add.

think this wkend will be quite busy. thurs night supper with the novena gang; fri night may have night cycling; sat have SOH gathering; sun serving at christmas@orchard liao.

think i should start studying liao, in fact i tried today, but haha, it was quite a failure. oh well.

oh on my way home today i bought gizzard from boon tong kee! wah i tell u fantastic! it was so nice. haha. but i thought it was expensive - $3. aiyar, got a bit irritated with the pricing at btk. they even charge gst lor! so in fact my bowl of gizzards cost $3.15. kaoz. well, it is expensive considering just a couple of shops away this place sells them for 50c each. yummy! with all that chilli somemore. *drools*

haha i think my taste for food is quite questionable to others sometimes. cause i like all the weird weird foods. almost all preserved foods like kimchi, salted _____, candied _____, etcetc. u get the idea. there was a period of time i even bought a bottle of kimchi and it would be my snack everytime i felt hungry. haha. think if i ever had the chance to go korea i would buy a barrel and cart it back to singapore. and i just LOVE chilli. *slurps up the saliva drooling from the corner of his mouth*

kim's going to korea soon. haha, maybe i should ask her to get me some kimchi. originally asked her to get me a bottle of snow when she vehemently refused. in fact, alot of pple are going places this holidays. which really starts me thinking on how they are going to finish mugging. there's really ALOT to study. can get rather depressing. pple like belinda, anin, kim to all over the world. ohoh, kim also quite funny cause she was telling me something quite funny her bf did -- he mailed her a card before leaving overseas saying, "by the time u're reading this i'll already be overseas. harharhar... *etcetc*" haha.

discovered there's yet another couple. HAHA. somemore caught them at munchie monkeys when a couple of the LT pple were trying to have lunch together. haha, i think they were quite sheepish about it and left soon after.

arh. the DOTA gang just msned me. haha. tt's all for today. i'll try again to mug tml.

zoukout clash

haha it's so funny, slipped my mind tt there's zoukout on 14th, but there's also briefing at suntec in the evening as well. omgoodness. howhowhow.

oh meeting for lunch today at munchie monkeys! 1st time there think it'll be great. afterall what can be better than the fact tt today is the last day of sch?!

whoah. great times ahead.

disruption web

haiyoh, so sao(3) xing(4) today... wanted to organise a cg outing but it didn't pull through. hmmm. same reason as per everytime, last min got changes in plans. haiz. guess it's another day of relaxing at home then! hehe.

hope the host won't be too disappointed. love makes all things beautiful. :)

mugging hard.


oh yes i tried studying strep coci and enterococcus in the lib this afternoon and realised the meaning of "resistance if futile". well, gave up 'resisting' after a while and it was off home to sleep. :) curious tt foxtrot sent me this comic today. haha.

oh it was really nice to hear from a friend today tt he looked forward to read my posts. tt's really sweet, thanks. :) but i'll try not to let it be the primary reason why i blog. :)

ba(2) tui(3) jiu(4) pao(3)

wah tt felt good. just came back from a nice night run. took me quite a bit of motivation to go but in the end it was the chee cheong fun with qk just now tt tipped the scales and off i went. in fact i just > doubled my milage in the last month, totalling 8km with 5 km ran today. hmm nice. maybe this will help me lose the 1st sights of the spare tire tt's rearing it's ugly head on my abdomen.

PLS. no, i'm not vain. just tt i feel it's nice to feel healthy. :)

oh yes, met andy today and had a nice chat over lunch. omg he was eating a plate of fruits with papaya juice for lunch.. aiyoh, i think sj met her match liao. haiyoh andy cannot liddat, must eat more... but i didn't comment lar anyway he's the doctor, not me. haha. but no wonder he's so lanky. :) oh, seems he was attending a cofm seminar conducted by wong-of-a-mee-lian-smiles. oh yes it's quite interesting cause andy's now at hpb, which is a unique choice considering he's not really practising tt much now, more of policy formulating and all tt. hmmm. but his reason was a saat as he has always been, "i'm tired of dealing with sick pple, i want to deal with healthy pple and help them maintain their health." can't rem what he said exactly but something to that extent. yep, foudn it to be quite true. anyway i've always thought of him to be someone who's very sophisicated with lots of realistic ideals. very happy person. and i've modeled my expectations of medical school after his experience. haha. yup, some sort of role model i guess.

touched a bit about diving (at koh samui and elsewhere), etcetc. but just before he the lunch ended he suddenly asked me," haha, so u got gf liao?" which was a qns i was expecting him to ask the whole time, cause i actually asked him for some opinions and advice a year back. to his qns i smiled. haha. don't have lar. and i think what coach lewis shared at hm changed my view on this matter very much. i mean, don't need to worry one lar, this type of thing will take it's own course. :) right now my focus should be on other sorts. and looking for the wrong thing in the wrong season will bear no fruits but pain and hurt and fatigue. akin to digging for sweet potatoes in winter. i know this is a bad analogy... yup.

anyway to which i then asked him back the same qns. and dr andy's still a swinging single! wah how can it be! haha. looking but seems tt "i'm not looking hard enuff" haha. for him shouldn't be a problem and should be expecting to hear some good news soon. :)

happenings

alot of things have happened recently and i guess i'm still trying to organise my ideas. i guess for every trial tt doesn't kill u, u just get stronger? haha. if the trial kills u then, does it matter at tt stage? oh well. :)

but for me, i guess it's now quite feng(1) ping(2) lang(4) jing(4) liao. :) which of course alot was sorted out over the wkend.

1 regret was tt i didn't go run SCM. hearing from sf and reading sw's blog... haiz. i think it was really exciting... but the problem was tt i came back from kuantan on sun itself. somemore only at night... so there was no way i could have made it... oh well. next year then. i actually signed up for it real early and didn't even realise tt the dates clashed... haha. so silly. so i wasted $30 then. and didn't get the goodie bag too... well, don't think i would wear the shirt anyway even if i had got my hands on it. boohoo.

did some catchup with kk, pig, simp. and of all the places we went seoul garden. haha. to think i still have 2 free adult vouchers with me, yet they paid before i arrived. haha. well, seoul garden is horrible actually. i didn't plan on using those vouchers anyway, so oh well. the place is just so dirty and everytime we go there always end up stuffing our faces with meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, prawns, meat, meat. well, at least i tried tang(3) hoon(4) this time and in fact it was quite good. :) haha. oh well, tt's still no saving grace for seoul garden. it's condemned in my list of places to go for class gathering and meals with friends.

well, today there was a special offer by starbucks. free coffee with optional charity donation for the salvation army. also just heard of it at the hpb lecture. haha, pontanged it 1/2-way to go shopping with k and then go drink coffee. haha it was my idea cause the hpb lecture was just too boring... even the escapade from hpb auditorium was super action!

a whole bunch of us made use of a break and decided to pontang after 3 SUPER boring lectures and were just waiting at the lift lobby to escape when surprise surprise, the lift doors opened and out popped the lecturer for the next lecture. HAHA. so embarassing. so most of us got chased back into the auditorium... i think ht even acted very pro in front of the lecturer as if she just came out for a pee. "oh ok, so shall we all go back now? *gesturing to us all as if nothing happened*". haha forget abt fann wong. i think bimbo should win the star awards.

then i think we did the smartest thing ever -- which was to wait till the lecturer entered the auditorium, then we all turned around and headed for the lift again! WAH LAU. i couldn't believe myself too... so anyway it was off to harborfront for coffee liao.

oh knew tt k had another trick up her sleeve when she suggested tt we eat ben and jerry's ice cream. haha, tempt me wif this type of thing... i confirm onz one lar! haha. so since it was still <5pm (when the coffee deal started), we bought a pint of cookie dough ice cream and sat in the food court stuffing our faces. haha. spoons were courtesy of macs. *terrible* i was like SO bloated. didn't feel like walking at all lar... my extremities were all cold and numb with the aweful taste of milk from the ice cream stung into my cerebral cortex.

we dragged ourselves to claim our free coffee though, and did a bit of window shopping too, before going down to claim coffee. haha, the silly woman refused to order a milk based drink because "if i taste any more milk i'll seriously puke. SERIOUSLY." haha. i was none the wiser and went for a green tea frapp (which was sadly milk based) whilst she settled for a mango frapp which i could have sworn tasted exactly like passionfruit.

haha yes we donated lar though i put in less than k. haha, <1/2 as much. oh well, but she put in alot.

well, i received a very pleasant sms from andy today. seems like he's having some COFM course from tml for a wk and he asked me if i would like to have lunch with him tml. wah tt's so nice of him. :) i think he's the nicest doctor the shuai-est one too. aiyar, basically all your attributes of an eligible bachelor... tall, rich, smart, sophisticated, WONDERFUL personality, pleasant disposition, sporty, handsome (not a cute-boy face, but handsome), successful, last heard he's still available but how can be?!?! now sure got gf liao lar. haha. he's one guy who's really impacted me and my opinions on medicine as a career. will enjoy the catchup tml.

something tt p said at hm really struck me deep. in fact it smarted the first time i heard it. i was hoping tt i'ld get the old hope back, someone who was happy-go-lucky and care-free; someone who was much closer to God than the hope now. i guess i was hoping to get those memories and happy times i had in the past back and to relive those moments with X. but looks like things are not going to be so. cause "u'll never get those moments back. ever. but u'll be stronger than before and more glorious."

isn't life exciting and full of hope? :)

rebirth

well, i think hm5 was fantastic. and i certainly got answers to many problems tt i had. as i told some, i went this time not with expectations but rather with a whole duffel bag of problems, worries, tears and hurts. but yep, through these few days up at kuantan i've learnt strength and love.

it was great seeing the cg bond closer together and getting to know pple who i would probably never have the chance to talk to in the past. this camp has also gave me an insight into the other sides of friends. softer, vunerable sides that others may not seem, which probably allow u to see them through a different lens everytime u talk to them now. a lens of warmth and realness.

yep.

i've benefited alot from the camp. i think too much to put into words and yet really not exaggerating. but 1 main thing i got would be how to deal with my feelings.

in the right way i guess.

well, this hm was different from the rest in the sense tt it was very relaxed. alot of time to fellowship rather than rushing around and around and around doing stuff... which was what happened last year. it's just a different flow i guess. and asking around, i'm not the only 1 who's feeling tt. and seems everyone's enjoying it.

hms have always been turning points in my life. the first changed my social circle and character. the 2nd propelled me into serving life. and my theme for this camp was how to deal with my feelings. :)

well to be honest after i came back i felt there were certain changes tt were warrented in my life. i felt i wanted to return to starting the day with God every morning; having certain priorities with friends slightly changed; and also cut down on my blogging. the reason for the last change being tt i'm feeling that i'm starting to blog for pple's eyes mainly. well, not my original intention when i first started blogging. so i figured i needed to sort things out a bit first.

well, the reason why pple are reading this is cause i have.

i'm back, but i guess this time i'll be more concious of myself. haha.

selah

alright i guess this is the last post for a long time. i feel a break is warrented until i feel the life for this again. :)